It's that time of year again. Election season! Filing for the first Minneapolis city elections done under the IRV (Instant Runoff Voting) system has recently closed. Of particular interest was the field for mayor. Incumbent R.T. Rybak is gunning for a third term and easily won the DFL endorsement and is widely expected to win by a large margin. But did that clear the field? No way.
In addition to Rybak you've got the perennial candidate (Dick Franson), the main opposition (noted third place finisher in a two man race Al Flowers) and the standard third party opposition (LP's Christopher Clark, GP's Papa John Kolstad) as well as a few assorted fringe candidates from parties such as the New Dignity Party, Moderate Progressive Censored and Social Entrepreneurship.
But then you've got some real comedic gold.
John Charles Wilson is running for the Edgertonite National Party, what is that you may ask? Good question.
The Edgertonite National Party exists to secure political independence for the people of the Midwestern United States and a homeland for the Lauraist religion. We use the term "Nation of Edgerton" to describe the area within a 240-mile radius of Minneapolis, Minnesota. We are a non-traditional Communist party, based on the ideology of Lauraism: the belief that Laura Ingalls Wilder is God, Communism (public ownership of business) is the best form of government, age of consent laws should be repealed, public transit should be returned to the routes, fares, and schedules of 18 September 1970, the Nation of Edgerton should secede from the United States as a Lauraist homeland, and all people, including children, deserve as much personal liberty as possible consistent with public safety and the rights of others
You may be asking "Why the name "Edgertonite"? Why a "Nation of Edgerton"? Luckily for you the Edgertonites have a answer!
The Party's founder, John Charles Wilson, is a lifelong transit fanatic who, in his early teenage years (the early 1980s) had an extreme fascination with a bus company called North Suburban Lines, which ran on Rice Street in Saint Paul, MN. The former name of the company (before 1975) was Rice-Edgerton Lines. This fascination predates both John's conversion to Communism and his visions of Laura Ingalls Wilder, though it has been incorporated into his political and religious beliefs through the Nation of Edgerton doctrine as promulgated by this Party.
They are campaigning on important issues such as
safely encourage people to quit making our city sidewalks nasty with their gross litter.
and
*Cleanliness and health should be free choices, not societal mandates. Personal hygiene should be just that - a personal choice.
Hate that nasty, gross litter? Want to smell bad? Vote Edgertonite!
Moving on. Also of interest is Joey Lombard running on the "Is Awesome" ticket, and that's about all you need to know. Would you really vote against someone who is awesome? Your not unawesome are you? In a show of how awesome he is, a Google found only one and only awesome fact. He is alive. Awesome!
I can only assume that he will run on a campaign platform of Awesomeness and pledge to lower UnCool stuff, increase the amount of Awesome on the streets, provide Awesome to those who need it most and be Awesome.
If nothing else, this election will provide for awesome choices. You can vote for someone who is awesome, someone who thinks Laura Ingalls Wilder is god, someone who finishes below no one or some guy who walks around in his pajamas in broad daylight. Good luck, Minneapolis!
I wish the whole world smelled like s***. I wish the whole damn world smelled like s***. I wish the whole world smelled like s***.
- John Charles Wilson, candidate for Mayor of Minneapolis |
